Expect to get Angry

I yelled at someone on the phone today. She has frustrated me for several weeks now and I haven’t expressed it before so it exploded out today. I had a release of pent-up emotion which to be honest, felt good. But I do have empathy for the woman on the other end of the phone call, that my yelling was unpleasant for her. It is okay, for me to get angry and even to express that anger, however, not expressing it up to now let it build up to an unhealthy level. Venting angrily at this woman at a business from whom I have paid for services might not get me what I want. I want good customer service and I want to be seen as a kind, reasonable Christian man.

Sarah, a friend of mine, had a similar experience. She has regular contract employees that do some essential services for her each week. One holiday week they just didn’t show up. The company didn’t send substitute workers. My friend was stuck. She muddled by with help from family, but she pays well for the services and expected to get them. When, several days later one of the employees returned to work, my friend emphatically asked how they might prevent this in the future. The employee quit on the spot. It wasn’t that my friend was wrong to be angry or to express that anger, but it came out harshly and had a result she didn’t want.

We don’t get angry unless we have expectations. Think about that for a moment. When you are relaxed, “chilling out” and have no special agenda, you don’t get angry. But if you expect traffic to flow when you need to get somewhere, or your colleague to complete her part of a project, or your child to finish their homework, then you have expectations and get angry when they are not met.

Expectations are part of life, but how often are they unseen and unspoken? Let’s say you go to a business meet and greet event. People are mingling, sharing business cards, explaining what they do and how you need their products or services. You are there to do the same thing.
How many in depth conversations will you have? If you stick to your agenda to advance your business and grow your network, you won’t get to know much about people personally. They are a means to an end, which is to make money. You are the same to them, a means to an end, which is to make money.

This is not evil; it is just limited. It is an expectation. Expectations limit our field of vision; they cause us to look for certain things and generally find only them. An old saying is, “the pickpocket who meets a priest only gets to know the priest’s pockets.” The pickpocket wants to steal, and he doesn’t care if he steals from someone who could teach him spiritual things. He won’t get spiritual things because he has an agenda, his expectation is to use this person as a means to an end. Anyone he steals from, is a nonperson. The pickpocket will not get to know them beyond what is necessary to make the theft.

I don’t want to treat people as nonpersons. Though I won’t get to know everyone I meet, I can set my field of vision more broadly, to leave open possibilities. Each person is of value and worthy of getting to know.

A friend of mine named Bill often talks to restaurant servers and others as if he knows them. They are still short conversations, but he expresses interest and learns something about them. At lunch with him recently, when I arrived, he described the solar panel business of our server’s husband and encouraged me to look into it. He had learned about this in the few minutes he sat waiting on me. The three of us didn’t become fast friends, but Bill had treated our server as a person, taking an interest in her.

You will have expectations. I have expectations. The challenge is to become aware of them. Notice when you treat your spouse, a colleague, or a store clerk rudely or without seeing their humanity.

Look for your expectations. What do you expect of situations and people? Notice when you get angry because the expectations are underneath anger. Can you let go of that anger? Can you balance your expectation with compassion, so it doesn’t cause you to treat others badly? Try being in each moment enough to notice another, experiencing them as a gift to you in that moment.